Freshman Fuck Ups
Ah, yes. The beer-guzzling, orange-adorned, and anxiety riddled freshman population of Syracuse University. Whether it’s thinking a Redbull vodka pitcher won’t fuck you up that bad, or believing that hot senior really admires your personality, there’s plenty of mistakes to go around.
Some might have ended up in Crouse on their first weekend out, while others might have had a long-term “romance” with a guy who punches holes in the walls of his frat house. Regardless of the severity or duration of our fuck-ups, you can be sure we’ll all look back and cringe.
These next 10 samples of stupidity are anonymous - some are my own and others were generously donated to my Instagram poll.
“Walk of shamed home and forgot my shoes at the boy’s place.”
Only the few and fortunate can say they haven’t sacrificed a favorite thong or pair of strappy heels to the dingy room of a one night stand. Attempting to reclaim lost property is always a shot in the dark - either he’ll think it’s a sure sign you’re looking for another Friday night fling, or will leave it in a heap outside your dorm room. Save yourself the hassle and head back home after Dj’s.
“I slept with a man that had a receding hairline and a foot fetish.”
Standards in college seem to nose-dive into territory that is below the deep end. The deeper end? Maybe he is super knowledgeable in your biochemistry class or you’re missing your muscled high school ex. All logic and reasoning slips from your mind, and one day you wake up and realize you’ve wasted time on a guy who will probably live with his mother after graduation.
“Passed out drunk in front of Kimmel and got DPS called on me the first day.”
The fear that courses through your veins when you have to call your parents and tell them you were cuffed can’t be matched. If you make it through freshman year without an encounter with testosterone-heavy law enforcement officers you’re either a seasoned alcoholic or better at hiding your blackout than most. Congrats.
“Getting in a relationship.”
Getting cuffed freshman year is like cutting across the race track for the finish line. Whether you meet in Earth Science or your freshman floor, a first year relationship will end in fraternity rush or him hooking up with your best friend. Let’s pray you make it out before sophomore year and finally enjoy the sexual frenzy of Syracuse University.
“Hooking up with a guy who consistently ruined my life.”
It was like, a mistake, or he was like, so fucked up. Whatever your excuse may be, trust that Chad is unlikely to change. Stop checking to see which girls like his latest Instagram post captioned “with the boys”, and running to his frat afters to see if he’s hooking up with Erika. He’s not worth it honey.
“I had sex with a guy I talked to for for 10 minutes at a tailgate on a toilet.”
Nothing says freshman year romance quite like some intercourse in a public space. High levels of Syracuse spirit and an intense cloud of hormones can induce even worse decision-making than usual. Heavy drinking at a Syracuse tailgate will end in binges on Ernie food or a lot of awkward eye contact with people you don’t remember speaking to.
“Aggressively Facetiming and texting two boys at the same time begging them to come over, not knowing they were sitting right next to each other.”
it’s not a true first-year experience without severe thirst. Suave freshmen might be able to keep their dehydration on the low, but too often we’re caught in the act. it takes time (and in this case trauma) to turn your “you up” texts into professional appointment arrangements.
“A guy left during sex to go puke and attempted to eat me out like nothing happened.”
It wouldn’t be a complete freshman experience without at least one hookup that makes you want to bathe in hand sanitizer. Whether it’s aggressive tongue action in Dj’s or a necklace of deep purple hickeys, you can either endure gag-inducing hook ups or forgo sloppy make-out sessions all together.
“I woke up at noon in a frat house with my pants around my ankles, the guy told me I had taken them off myself.”
Slinking down the back stairs of a frat in the early afternoon is a new level of shame. Hiding in your dorm room for a few weeks won’t feel like enough time to overcome the anxiety of seeing what’s-his-name on the quad. You’ll probably harbor his oversized sweatshirt under your bed for months, and seeing it will trigger flashbacks to the smell of spilled beer and elevated surfaces.
“I hooked up sober with guys off Tinder during dry pledging.”
Pledging season is dry in more than one way, but resorting to the hellhole of Tinder at any time is a desperate measure you’ll definitely regret. He is likely to look nothing like his photos, and might send over a grotesque pick-up line that sears your eyes. In the case you do hook up with a swipe left, let’s hope you don’t end up in Sociology class together.